What happened to 'just do it'?

When I was 19, 29, 39 - I still had the ability to move quickly to do what I wanted to do. This weekend I found that I have constraints that will not allow me to do certain things. They are self imposed. I have become my conscience, whole and entire. My want to do things is still there. My wish to do things is still there. My will to do things has atrophied. Is there anyone who doesn't understand that I'm talking about sex? There was a time when it was as simple as breathing, when it needed no rhetoric, no thought, no emotion, no rhyme or reason, only eye contact. Now, when I am in a place where there is opportunity many times daily, I persist in ceasing and desisting. It is so unfair. I censor myself. I'm not happy about it; but I continue to say no to offers that range from movie and sex, dinner and sex, marry me and sex, to I'll give you all my money for sex. Shouldn't wisdom and self-control make you happy with your life? I know that at this point in my life, no is the correct answer to every option that includes sex without the requisite emotion attached, but it is so lonely.

MI TUTORI AMOR

3:12 in the morning,
I'm sleepless again,
trying to avoid the tears that always win.
Days come and go, tesoro,
sometimes fast, sometimes slow.
And when I am on my own,
facing the love I'm making alone,
I remember.
I remember you.
Mi tutori amor,
you have my life,
all of me, safe in your heart.
Guardian of my love, I trust you.
Today, I can hold on, loving you completely,
knowing soon you'll look at me so sweetly,
that you'll never leave me, never cheat,
tutori di mi amor.
Tesoro, hold me close, closer still,
wrap me in your heart.
That's my place in this life.
Guard me,
mi tutori amor.
If I died tonight,
faced eternity without light,
rose to terror and woe,
faced my future with nowhere to go,
I would remember,
forever without end,
mi tutori amor,
more than my lover,
more than my friend.
I can't wait to be held again.
You guard my heart.
Guard me tonight.
Guard me.
I can't help thinking about you.
Tesoro, mi manchi,
I miss you so much there are no words to say it,
no kisses for my lips,
no skin beneath my fingertips.
I would beg if you were here,
cry out for love if you could hear me.
Guard me from myself if no one else.
Tutori di mi amor,
invade my dreams,
weave a spell.
Hold me close, closer still.
Guard my heart.
Fill my thoughts.
Guard me tonight.
Guard me.
Si tu es amore,
hold me close, closer still.
Si tu es mi adore,
guard my heart, keep me.
Don't let go.
Amore di tutti amori,
guard me.
Stringimi,
hold me.
Tesoro, se tutta la mia vita.
You are my everything.
Guard me, amore,
guard me.

If your native language is Italian, and you caught my spelling and grammar errors, I apologize for the mistakes. I learned Italian in bed quite a few years ago and so my language is a little rough. My teacher was a Navy Seal of Italian extraction, although he was also Black, born of an Italian mother and a Black soldier who brought her to the U.S. and abandoned her.
He loved me dearly. I was too young to know what a great man he was. He died doing what Seals do. I just wish that he had done for me what his dad did for his mother and left me a beautiful child. But he died childless. I lost touch with his mother. She never got to meet my beautiful children. I hope her daughter survived to give her grand kids. The end.
Labels: amore, guard, guardian, love, tesoro, trust
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by 9th Child Productions
3:21:00 PM